In the interest of bringing greater understanding between my country and your people, my administration has decided to take a bold initiative in the Middle East. Before you get carried away, let me assure you that this has nothing to do with your incessant list of grievances.
Let there be no mistaking the reality that the United States has certain expectations of the Palestinian people. As you might be aware, we have a long list of Americans whose very lives depend on organ transplants. In the global fight against terrorism, every people need to make a contribution. You are either with us or you are against us. To prove your commitment to our common struggle, we demand that the Palestinian Authority take immediate steps to enlist organ donors from Gaza and the West Bank. Chairman Arafat needs to demonstrate to the world that he can deliver the proper organs to our people.
Now, in return for Palestinian compliance, we will dispatch Admiral Zinni to the Middle East to change Sharon's diaper. According to our most recent intelligence findings, we believe that the violence against the Palestinians will be substantially reduced after Zinni completes his mission. It appears that a severe diaper rash causes old war criminals to act up and we are doing our part to contain Sharon's appetite for spilling Palestinian blood. We do not expect to win your minds on this matter. But lend us your hearts and we will cut them out to alleviate our serious shortage of organ donors.
The Palestinian people need to wake up and smell the coffee. But if we detect that they are consuming excess amounts of caffeine, we will conclude that radical elements are attempting to mess with the health of their vital body organs. Let us not mince words. This will be considered a hostile act for which we will take responsible measures against the Palestinian Authority. We demand a one hundred percent effort. The American people expect fresh healthy organs, not words.
Let us all show a little pragmatism for the sake of our children. At the end of the day, Ariel Sharon is a war criminal addicted to violence. That reality will not change in his life time. My daddy and I have reviewed his file and we are aware of every minute detail of Qibya and Sabra and Shatila. This might strike you as incredible, but we actually asked Colin Powell and our State Department lawyers to look into the matter. After intensive investigation they have conclusively determined that not a single victim of Sharon's crimes carried an American Passport or so much as a driver's license from Iowa. I want to be very clear on this point. My job is to protect and provide for the people of the United States of America. Not every sorry Palestinian who was murdered by some Israeli thug. After due consideration, it is my judgment that, under our laws, Sharon can only be charged with disrupting organ donor programs. The department of health is looking into the potential legal consequences of this. If anything develops from that inquiry, the Deputy Assistant for South Tasmanian affairs will contact your leaders.
The thing the Palestinians need to grasp is that my poll numbers are going through the roof. The White House is in my pocket until 2008. I intend to run and win a second term while taking a nap down on my ranch. The only thing that can disrupt my political future is to mess with the Yiddish zealots at the Post and The New York Times. Just sending Zinni on this diaper changing mission has already cost me a couple of points in the ratings. CNN and FOX are suddenly interested in my economic record.
So be real. If you think I will make the mistake my Yankee daddy made, your cause will only suffer. The best I can do for you is to 'restrain' Sharon
on condition that my VP gets a healthy organ and soon. Now, recall my daddy's rating after the Gulf War. It went to his head and he chose to unwisely tangle with that no-neck monster assassin, Shamir. As a result Clinton and Lewinsky moved into the Lincoln bedroom and the rest is history.
My advice to the Palestinian people is to get used to being under belligerent Israeli occupation. Teach your children to be more agile so they can dodge Israeli bullets. If right wing settlers steal more of your land for exclusive Jewish settlements, do the environmentally correct thing. Learn to live on less land. To get your people used to Mossad torture methods, learn to beat your kids early and often. Don't spare the rod on your kid's behind. In America, we leave no child behind. When they lay a year long siege to your towns and villages and starve your people, respond with kindness. Pretend you are on a diet. There are immediate solutions, if the Palestinians would just open their eyes to the possibilities of another decade under vicious military occupation.
Make the American people proud of you. Learn to endure the pain. Accept your sufferings like that great Palestinian sage, Jesus of Nazareth. I am a religious man. I know if Jesus came back today and saw the ancient people of the holy land enduring Israeli humiliation and brutality with grace, it would certainly make a profound impression on him. If he saw that the flesh of his people was being harvested to save precious American lives, he would marvel. When Jesus comes back he will find that only his people, alone among the ancients of the Mediterranean world, continue to endure the only belligerent foreign military occupation on the planet.
Let me assure you that I have no malice towards your people. Don't forget that as Americans, we are the defenders of the free world. We have gone to war many times in your region to assure that the oil of the free world flows at prices we deem cheap enough. The Yiddish pundits from Safire to Friedman to Howard Fineman to Charles Krauthammer to Ted Koppel to Bernard Lewis to Daniel Pipes are of one mind on this matter. Indeed they use the very same exact language as the Likud. Your people only respect a show of force. Listen up. I am a loving guy. But if they say that violence is what works on your kind, there is precious little I can do to counter their arguments. Every single major Jewish organization and virtually the whole Yiddish dominated American mass media have reached a consensus on this matter. They are constantly beating the drums for our Special Forces to get some reality training in the Middle East. They worship Ariel Sharon like he was some kind of deity. It is all Yiddish, all the time. Turning on CNN is like a visit to a Yiddish chapel. Aaron Brown with his Yiddish experts follows Wolf Blitzer and his Yiddish experts who come right after Jeff Greenburg and his special Yiddish experts. Sulzberger's Yiddish crew is interviewed by CNN and NBC and NPR and C-SPAN and their opinions on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict are confirmed by the Washington Post journalists who appear on FOX. The way I see it, America is a land of opportunity. The Yiddish have a corner on punditry. They can get you an opinion at wholesale prices. And they can make any one opinion the consensus of the land, especially on matters that have priority on the Israel First agenda.
What we have here is a failure to communicate with the Palestinian people. No sane American politician will take the risk of taking on the Lobby. Not when they have that kind of power to wage a full-scale campaign to sanitize a war criminal like Ariel Sharon and sell him as a peace maker without a partner. Consider how much information these Yiddish elitists can dig up on President Johnson's dog. Do you think they just forgot about Sharon's record or misplaced their footage on Sabra and Shatila or Qibya. They can spend half an hour mourning Clinton's dog and pretend like they don't have a clue on what the Israeli occupation is all about. I know them and I know their agenda. Every adult American who bothers to pay attention knows how they manipulate 'public opinion'.
Make no mistake, I am the President and I know exactly how they operate. But it is out of my hands, just like Civil Rights was out of the hands of FDR and Truman and Ike and JFK. You know it reminds me of the Ku Klux Klan. We are a decent nation, but there was a time when an American President would seek their endorsement. There was a time when five Senators were members of the KKK. Coolidge accepted an endorsement from the KKK. Woodrow Wilson raved when he screened 'The Birth of a Nation' in the White House. That was about the time he gave the OK for the Balfour declaration. This is the age of white Yiddish supremacy, which is a mild variant of white Christian supremacy. It is their turn to leave an Un-American imprint on our history. You know, it wasn't until president Johnson that an American president really challenged the KKK. He famously said that "their loyalty is not to the United States. But to a hooded society of bigots".
The American people are innocents abroad in the sense that we rule a world that we would just as soon not visit. A vast majority of our people would rather have nothing to do with any Israeli military occupation, much less fleece our treasury to subsidize their war criminals. Someday, some American President will confront the Yiddish bigots of America. I want every Palestinian to know that I am not that President. Until such a day comes, we will be harvesting Palestinian organs on a schedule to be arranged with the Palestinian authorities.