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October 25, 2003
Memo to Rummy.

By Ahmed Amr.


Memo to Rummy
Re: the long hard slog ahead

By Ahmed Amr

Re: regarding the long hard slog ahead

Sorry Rummy, can't make the meeting on Saturday or Monday. I will be out of the country. Will brief you when I make it home to our Christian nation after Ramadan.

In any case, I would like to share a few brief comments about the long hard slog ahead in Afghanistan and Iraq.

What happened to the cakewalk? How did we make a giant leap from a cakewalk to a long hard slog? What happened to Richard Perle's notion that we could invade Iraq with 50,000 troops?

Why did you invite Wolfowitz and Feith to a meeting about how to veer radical Islamic madrassas to a more moderate course? Shouldn't they first brush up on how to be moderate Likudniks? Is it a good idea to depend on Feith? Doesn't he own a private law practice in Tel Aviv that represents the extremist Jewish supremacist settlers? Maybe Wolfowitz's Israeli sister isn't the best candidate to head the private foundation you propose to reform Islam? The Turks got all upset when the arrogant SOB started lecturing them about 'moderate Islam'? Besides, when did Wolfowitz become such an authority on Islam or on moderation?

What exactly were you thinking of setting up? The Imam Feith Wolfowitz Perle of Wisdom Madrassa for Moderating Islam?

Now that you have a few idle moments to ponder a little reality, maybe you should consider limiting the next meeting to just you and me. Send Wolfowitz and Feith to Israel with an early retirement package. I am sure they can earn a little extra change by joining Richard Perle on the board of the Jerusalem Post. If they insist on serving their country in the DoD, demote all members of the cabal to privates, send them to boot camp, ship them to Iraq and have them patrol Sadr City in a Humvee. Better still, just to sharpen their military skills, consider putting them on foot patrols in Falujah so they can mingle freely with 'liberated' Iraqis. I am certain the Iraqis will want to mingle with them.

You say in your memo "Today, we lack metrics to know if we are winning or losing the global war on terror." When did the DoD go metric? Are you starting to measure the world using the yardstick of 'Old Europe'? How continental!

Are you telling me that, after spending 150 billion dollars on your Iraqi venture, you have no time to hop over to Home Depot to pick up a couple of meter sticks? May I suggest you consult with the Canadians and the Scandinavians on how to use it? They don't seem to have any problems dealing with the graduates of these radical madrassas that you are so hot and bothered about.

In your memo you ask some interesting questions. "Are the changes we have and are making too modest and incremental? My impression is that we have not yet made truly bold moves." Surely, you jest. How bold do you want to get? Can America handle any more of your modest incremental proposals?

Are you suggesting that we revisit the advice of Laurent Murawiecz on invading Saudi Arabia? Tell Richard Perle to give him a call to make another Pentagon presentation on why we should target Saudi Arabia's economic assets should the Saudis refuse to comply with certain ultimatums, including a ban on "anti-Israeli" writings. If you recall, Perle's buddy had other bold advice. He proposed that once the oil fields and Saudi investments in the United States were confiscated, the Saudis would be advised that their holy places were not immune and that "alternatives are being canvassed". Is that modest and incremental enough for your taste?

Back to the subject at hand, what the hell are madradssas? Is that a separate subject you want to address or were you thinking about madrassas? Is 'behinder' a word? Is Septermber a month? May I suggest a little helper published by Webster?

Oh, before I forget, who leaked the memo? Was it the same two 'Plame' Likudniks or was this just a solo act of Feith? I guess you should take up this leak with Elliot Abrams, the guy who along with Feith is suspected of leaking Valerie Plame's identity. Of course, you might have leaked it yourself. Nice touch with those spelling mistakes. You almost had me chasing another 'Plame' leak. That is just pure undiluted Rummy.

About the last question in your memo "What else should we be considering?"

Consider doing some or all of the following and all your "madrassa" problems will disappear. Here is twelve-step proposal that might restore a little sanity to American foreign policy and go a long way to beefing up our national security.

  1. Don't share this memo with Wolfowitz, Feith or Libby.
  2. Declare victory in Iraq and bring the boys home by Christmas.
  3. Resolve the problem you refer to as "the so-called occupied territories" by landing 5000 marines on the Green Line, the 1967 border, and tearing down that wall.
  4. Declare an independent Palestinian state and tell the Israelis to return the Golan Heights to Syria.
  5. Fire all the neo-con Likudniks and replace them with real Middle East professionals who put American interests first.
  6. Dismantle the Office of Special Plans and leave the intelligence work to the CIA and DIA. But not before determining the OSP link to the Plame scandal.
  7. Don't wait for Ashcroft to bury the Plame scandal. Call Novak for a little chat and have him reveal his sources in the interest of national security.
  8. Tell Cheney to fake a heart attack and resign.
  9. Cancel all Dod contracts with Halliburton so Cheney might have a real heart attack. In which case, skip step 8.
  10. Apologize to the American people for misleading them into war and explain the real motives behind this venture.
  11. Stop leaking memos with spelling mistakes.
  12. Review a copy of the Toledo Blade story and explain why, as President Ford's Secretary of Defense, you chose not to press war crime charges.
  13. Once you complete this twelve-step program, you will find that you are ready to resign.

Ahmed Amr is the editor of NileMedia.com. He is an Arab American media critic who enjoys writing memos to Rummy. This article can be published at will.

Ahmed Amr

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