Searching for an Indispensable Leader
By Ahmed Amr
BigFatLeader.com, a premier executive search firm, is pleased to announce that we have been retained as the exclusive agent for a major North American account.
Our client is interested in an individual white male who has the talent to attract millions of followers and sell them on their need for his indispensable leadership skills.
Marketing studies have proven that the vast majority of people crave a leader who can project strength, wisdom, vision and resolve. For this particular assignment, we want an individual who can command the adulation of a diverse population with a few sound bites, a couple of jokes and a little bumper sticker wisdom.
We are looking for that special kind of person who people trust to watch over them while they sleep. The successful candidate must have a certain public presence that assures his followers that their leader can beat the crap out of other people's leaders. We need a man who can walk like Putin - with two hands licensed to kill assuming a certain posture that dares any foe to "bring it on".
Can you entrance the great unwashed with a few shock and awe routines? Do you stay on message even when reality intrudes? Do you have the ability to motivate the crowd to rock till they drop while singing that old Tom Jones classic "He's a leader - oh yeah yeah - he's a leader … and that leader is mine"? If so, you just might be a suitable candidate for this challenging four-year assignment.
Exceptional leaders are seldom born. Rather, they are created by their followers. Our client is searching for an individual who can inspire seasoned CBS news anchors to say goofy stuff like: "My leader is the president. He makes the decisions. Wherever he wants me to line up, just tell me where. And he'll make the call."
Our search will focus on recruiting an ambitious lad with the charisma of Jim Jones who can rally followers to drink fatal portions of Kool Aid. We seek a real hombre like David Koresh who can convince other men to give up their wives and daughters for his pleasure. Alas, both these gents took their leadership skills to an early grave and we are forced to search for new talent outside the Wacko zip code.
To qualify for this position, candidates must have the appearance of a leader. Short men should consider other employment opportunities. Good hair is a plus. A College degree is sort of mandatory. Our past experience demonstrates that even C students can become extraordinary leaders. If your daddy has had command and control experience it will definitely work to your advantage.
This job requires a reasonable command of the English language or similar sounding North American variations. An in-house staff will provide the leader with fine tuned serial sound bites that will convince his fans that he knows his subject matter. So, don't let a lack of substance hold you back. Delivery skills will be tested to assure that the successful candidate can read canned speeches with a conviction that impresses a relatively credible audience. You will need the presence of mind to believe your lying tongue while making them ignore their lying eyes.
To succeed in this assignment, one must have the natural ability to delegate blame, dodge responsibility, avoid controversy and brush aside wayward ex-followers. True leaders know that repeated lies eventually evolve into concrete reality in the minds of their followers. Question from dissenters must go unanswered. Any fool can mislead some of the people some of the time. But the successful leader has the ability to fool a healthy majority all of the time.
This job will go to an individual who can offer simple solutions to complex problems without any intention of resolving them. As part of his daily routine, the successful candidate will be required to constantly raise the expectations of his followers. He will then be required to come up with creative excuses for his failure to deliver. Better still - he will be handsomely rewarded if he can convince his flock that they got more than he ever promised.
The applicant must provide evidence of implementing diversionary tactics when irrational strategies fall flat on their face. Strong leaders never apologize, never retreat and stay the course even if the ultimate destination is a dead end. Job performance will not depend on achievements but on a talent for changing the subject. If you can lead a herd off a cliff and make them enjoy the trip down, you just might have a competitive edge for this assignment.
This position comes with extraordinary benefits. Housing is provided in a big white mansion with a rose garden in a major North American city. In addition, the job provides luxurious ground transportation and a private plane. Aircraft carriers can be made available on request as props for projecting the command and leadership skills of the chosen one. At his option, he can prematurely hang up "mission accomplished" signs.
Instead of health insurance, the client provides a private mobile hospital. Veterinarians will also be available at the job site to manicure your pets. The job requires a pet with a cute name to demonstrate the sensitive side of a leader. Dogs work better than cats. Clones of your dog will be held in reserve in case of an early expiration of the original specimen.
We have negotiated an excellent food and beverage package to satisfy the appetite of even the biggest fattest leader on the planet. We also offer fantastic vacations - of unlimited duration. Generous retirement benefits will make up for the miserly pay. The position's prestige allows for very lucrative book deals after employment is terminated. Rewarding lecture circuit tours can also be arranged.
Our recruiting staff is currently reviewing the applications of two candidates with well-established records in performing leadership gigs in a major market with a client base of three hundred million sheep. Other applicants are encouraged to submit their credentials. Our client reserves the right to discriminate on race, sex, pigmentation, posture, national origin, ethnic peculiarities and religious affiliations. To attract a wider pool of candidates, we overlook prior drug use, outstanding war crime charges and mental health issues.
All applications and supporting documents, including military service records, must be in by late October. Shredders will be provided to make corrections to your file. If you have shiny medals or stamp collections from countries you can't pronounce, please bring them with you to the initial interview.
If you feel you are overqualified for this position or if you think that this kind of work is beneath you, please consider some of our new listings for absolute monarchs and petty dictators. At BigFatLeader.com, we take pride in satisfying millions of eager followers by providing them with the kind of leaders they so richly deserve.
Ahmed Amr is the editor of NileMedia.com. This article can be published at will. Readers are encouraged to circulate it.
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